Funk’s life insurance policy expires in less than two years and it’s made me evaluate being married for 43+ long-ass years.
The GOOD: After 20 years of being afraid to step on a plane, I started flying again in 2016. Still, I’m an uneasy flyer. Last spring, Funk escorted me to Hawaii, stayed 3 weeks, and 2 months later, returned to accompany my chicken-shit-self back home.
The CRINGE: Boarding the flight back to the mainland.
Me: “Funk, we should put our masks on.”
Funk: “No, the ban was just lifted.”
Me: “But it’s a 16-hour flight in a confined space and Covid is raging again.”
Funk, “Nah, we’ll be fine, we have our shots.”
The day after we returned, Funk sneezed in the middle of the night, and as the fine mist settled on my face, I thought, “That bastard just gave me Covid.” Sure enough, the next morning, Funk crawled out of the bedroom—a 73-year-old man, looking like a little boy—pathetically saying, “I have Covid.” No shit, I thought. It wasn’t pretty. I did not feel sorry for him. Instead, I sent him to an Airbnb so he didn’t infect me. Four days later, I came down with it, and worse than him. The universe always swiftly pays me back.
The GOOD: Funk-the-cook.
The CRINGE: Funk “helping me.”
Funk: “Babe, I stir-fried some vegetables for ‘you,’ and I even cleaned the stove for ‘you,’ just how you like.”
Me: Tamping down my need to scream that he eats and lives in this house too, I looked at the vegetables dripping in oil and thought how an ice cream would’ve been far less calories and more fun to eat. Then I glanced at the stovetop, and yes, the perimeter was sparkling clean, but the area beneath the grates—the difficult part to clean—was covered in dried-up fat. Remembering Covid, I said, “Um, thank you for helping me.”
The GOOD: A Grateful Dead Show.
Me: “Funk, are you ready to go?”
Funk: “I’ve got my shoes on. I’ve got our tickets. I’ve got our bags. And I’ve got my Bitch. Yes I’m ready to go, get in the car.”
The CRINGE: Who is this person?
The GOOD: This week, I’ll have the house all to myself and I won’t have to worry about karma haunting me for letting my moods slip out of my mouth.
NO CRINGE, just an ANNOUNCEMENT: Funk was invited home to Kansas City to be on a television panel with 3 former KC mayors, the topic being to Appraise Kansas City. Sounds like a load of fun, eh? Anyways, the show will be moderated by my favorite KCPT personality, Nick Haines. If you’d like a seat in the audience, here’s the link to grab a spot: https://kclibrary.org/…/hindsight-insight-four-former….
Also, as part of the trip, Funk is hosting a little “burgers and beer” get-together at the Westport Flea Market from 6pm-8pm on Wednesday, January 25th and would love to see you there.
Here’s to you if you’ve found a way to live with the un-fairytale-like moments that occur in any significant relationship. If you’re not looking for ways to cash in on your mate’s life insurance policy before the expiration date. All love to you, and since it’s still January, Happy New Year!
The Photo: Taken from the first season of White Lotus, a supremely weird show. But I liked that the show took place in my beloved Hawaii, and that the photo captures the spirit of Hawaiians.