So many roads, and I didn’t choose the right one. Not when it came to my sister.

I’m thinking more about Jane now that the shock of her sudden death has worn off a bit.

Actually, I think about my sister all the time, but now I’m thinking about all the stupid ifs.

If only I could call and tell her that I FINALLY finished my book.
If only I had let her read it.
If only I had looked at her, really looked at her, and seen the beauty racing throughout her being.

Because lots of things that used to matter, don’t matter anymore.

All those times that I called and was frustrated with her for hogging the airtime. Now, I’d take her any way I could, just to have her still picking up the phone and saying excitedly, “Hey Glor!”

Me, not wanting negativity surrounding my book, I kept it from her. She would have loved it, as only a sister who is 12 years older than me would have. Now, I will never get her reaction.

The eyes, that viewed her according to social norms, only saw how she lacked. Which means, I missed seeing beauty on earth when it was standing right in front of me. Now, all I have left is pictures to show what I wouldn’t let myself see before, and for what?

This isn’t a whine-whine. I hate whining. This post is only to say what I’m going to try and do going forward. Perhaps it might help you too.

When I’m hurt, angry, or mad at one of my loved ones, I’m going to try and think of them as if it’s the day after their funeral. Try to see everything I would miss if they were no longer physically with me. Going to try and revel in the beauty of their soul as it is on earth, so I don’t miss out again.

Altruism isn’t my strong suit, but I’m going to give it a go.

Because I don’t want to be looking at anyone else’s photo ever again and be regretful of all the things I needlessly missed out on while they were here. Because I don’t want to be responsible for adding darkness into the world, when I could just as easily have given love.

Okay, well, maybe not so easily.

Still, this is what I’m gonna try and do.

*Post title credit goes to the Grateful Dead – thank you again, for all you have done, and still do for me.

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