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In Florida, at 9:13 pm, while innocently reading my book after a long day of visiting my mother, some 90-year old couple in the apartment above me started making a racket. At first, the noise was no different than all the other times they’d disrupted my peace—it’s like they walk across their bedroom in high heels.

But then the noise changed.

Went from clomp-clomp-clomp to a quick succession of rat-a-tat-tats, followed by some pretty intense moaning. Realization dawned. And when it did, I went from mildly irritated to completely repulsed.

But then came wonder.

Because I’m telling you, with the way that lady sounded, that man was bringing the house down. The noise grew worse. The guy was working it so hard his bed was jumping off the floorboards.

And then it was over.

Forty-five seconds. I tried to get back to my book, but I just couldn’t do it. Not for wondering what that man could’ve been doing to make the lady sound that way.

It was really annoying. Still, there was some good in it. My question of a lifetime has been now answered. Yes, ancient people have sex. Man, when I tell my kids, are they ever gonna be grossed out.

Here’s to you if you’re sitting in bed quietly reading your book.

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